Confession; I am writing this blog to take my mind off the job offer that should be coming in any minute now. You can just imagine the thoughts running and screaming through my head. I can’t help but to be in complete denial. Doubt has covered every inch of me, and I can’t breathe. I get up to get a glass of water; not because I am thirsty but because I feel the act of walking into the second room of my one bedroom apartment will calm me down. I choose a glass I found at a thrift store with these funny characters on the rim; makes me laugh. Now I’m in tears because I see through typing these words what a looser I seem to be.
Don’t feel bad for me. I’ve had it good when it was good, and even had it good when it sucked. I am, as a friend just said the other day, the “glass half full” girl that always makes you feel good about yourself, or your situations, or your lack of what is needed at the moment. I don’t believe in coincidences, bad luck, destiny, tarot cards, or omens of impending doom. I do believe things will happen when they want to happen no matter how much you push them. I’m a pusher, and can be great at it. Letting the pieces fall and patience is just not a happy time, and usually calls for vodka instead of this glass of water.
I’m also writing to remind myself how much power, even at this point, I have. Right now, the already named company can’t decide if they want me in New York or New Jersey, or which position to actually give me. How is that for a luxury. That is what I should be focused on; I will get this job, just not sure which one yet. Yes, they can change their mind today, or may have already done so. Where did that power go I wonder. It’s history, and knowing how companies work that puts me on edge. There are sticky scenarios everywhere, and they seem to find me wherever I may hide.
This is what I want to tell you, and tell myself. We all have power we don’t even know about. The other day I went to a “function” where there were ex-coworkers present. On the ride over, I went into a little anxiety fit. These people haven’t seen me in months. I figured that I would feel out of place, and be a fumbling fool. It was awkward, not going to lie, but I think it was because they didn’t know what to say to ME. Why did it need to automatically be MY fault, or why did I need to be the peacemaker. Looking back on this shows me the pieces fell in the right direction. I’m not supposed to be part of what is behind me anymore. It’s over, and it needed to be for this new path to happen.
I’m just going to ride that power trip a little bit. The sun has just come out and it tempts me to make this a pool day. All of these little “mind trick” layers (10 minutes to pour a glass of water, choosing a bikini for the under crowded pool, maybe a youtube episode) will help my jitters and the desire to drink a bottle of wine. Can’t do that either; the wine samples have dried up.
Are you dying now for the update? More to come, soon I hope…