The definition of “gravitas”:
: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject)had the gravitas of a deep thinker
I was asked if I had the gravitas to take a conversation further. I was then told to look up this definition by someone I respect, compete with, detest at times, love deeply, want to change, want to become, makes me sick to my stomach, makes my body ache at the thought of him – and I’m perplexed. All of those above emotions don’t pair with this person I know; don’t pair with this person, that I believe, holds the most gravitas, and is also asking me to bare my soul. So, should the question be – what makes me think deeply, what arouses me, and what makes me want to hold on and ask for more.
I don’t blog to blog, I don’t blog to self promote, I don’t blog to throw shade. I blog mainly because I’ve felt something, and that something is usually brought on by the wine experience. I’ve been absent, and I think it is because I was overwhelmed by the wine experience, as well as the people experience; the emotions were all caught in a net that I wasn’t in control of. The wine stuff caught me by surprise; I’m in the place where things need to happen, they needed to have happened yesterday, I need to report on it, spreadsheets, recaps, and oh yeah – make sure you can pronounce areas of viticulture in Portugal correct. (as well as knowing what the hell I’m talking about) The “Life of Susan” stuff went off a cliff – weird friend shifting, a romantic pop up, as well as a feeling of, well, silence. Silence of the chatter that happens when things “pop up”, a gravitas of knowing and believing that I can emotionally figure things out. All in all, I am over taking things tooooooo seriously.
Secret; I’m a pretty serious person. I have about 4 journals on rotation, planner is open on my desk right now, lists for the day were made yesterday, actually – 2 months ago, and I have at least three scenarios in the case of heartache for the guy that is dangling a carrot on the end of a string. Micro-management has nothing on me. But, I’m seeing that this gravitas needs the silent treatment, and needs it before my head combusts. Plan; do something that I don’t like to do.
Trust a man; check. That isn’t working out so well, so let’s move on. Explore a situation that you don’t think you will enjoy; enter Dim Sum. Let my friend Merriam-Webster define once again:
: traditional Chinese food consisting of a variety of items (such as steamed or fried dumplings, pieces of cooked chicken, and rice balls) served in small portions
Listen, this is an event, this is a sit down gravitas moment, this is a whole Asian experience that I just didn’t want to do. Chinese, Japanese, Thai – I’m not a fan. I have my “go to” dishes, but texturally – nope. That was my American brain, that was my “turn it off” brain, and my serious attitude to what I think my life participation in Dim Sum should be. I threw judgement aside, met friends in NYC, sat down in a bat mitzvah kind of setting, and let the food journey begin. I was jostled by the stinky food carts, didn’t understand most of it, loved the conversation around the table of traveling, falling in love, falling into holes of life, and all the free flowing laughter. This place called for that, the food experience called for that. Afterwards, I took a walk through China town – no really, WALKED into it, not through it. Spoke to people on the street, bought a sweet bun at a bakery, and felt a life deviation.
I’m here to tell you I’m becoming more daring. That is 2020 Susan. I may say things now you may not like, I’ll probably go to far, and I may loose more “friends” in the process. (that may be the blessing in disguise; the authentic ones are rising as we speak) The positive is that I may get better at writing, I may fill a void in my soul, I may sharpen my facilitation and education sword, and I may know I am doing it all for the greater good; me.
So, sorry, not a wine post. Kind of a food post, but not really. The good thing is that I am back, I AM posting, I am thinking, and I am telling. I NEED to talk to you about wine though; we need to explore on another level, and we need to do this together. You help me figure this stuff out. My tastes have changed, my focus has changed, and my desire for a higher level of a tasting experience is looming. Please tell me you are ready for this….
If not, just enjoy my attempt at food styling and photography…..