Sometimes You Just Need A Push

Do you choose to go in a direction, or do you get pushed.

Shoved more like it.

Is it organic for you? Are you content with the idea that things “just happen for a reason” or “this is fate” or “we’ve been through worse”. What comes out of the things you don’t see coming, but even better – what happens to you?

It’s been a few months of this up and down turbulence. Professionally, I’m in. I love it and it makes me drive my priorities like a beast. Personally, I’m shut down. I don’t want new friends, I’m questioning my actions with the hanger ons, I don’t want to converse with a man that finds me interesting, and the eagerness for human contact seems to be fading. (thanks COVID) Yes, this is me talking. Me that can flirt in any situation, the me that will never leave your side, and the me that needs to rub your back while at the dinner table. It’s time for development. Maybe a little modification concerning what makes me great. Revision can be a good thing.

So, what is my message? How can I take an unfamiliar directive and make it shine like a spotlight. And, by the way, I’m not “sad”. I’m frighteningly focused, my mind is awake, I’m expressive and choosing my words wisely, I’m sexy as hell, I’m beginning to make wise choices. Paint your own picture, be the storyteller, glow in a new wonder – all that, and more friends.

Honestly, I’ve been in Zoom calls for a few days – I drank the Cool Aide.

And the Cool Aide is wines from areas that people tell me don’t sell. However, I am seeing them all over retail, so…. someone is selling them, but it’s not me. I know these wines are the unsung heroes, the overlooked for the moment, the value in the heap, the “I remember that” comment. (always a good one). I think there is an expectant STOP from my competitor – but I’m not giving one. I’m not because of my learning, and your shouldn’t be because of your non-learning. That’s the point of the blog buddy.

Can we do this together? I’m asking for help.

Take this for example;

Cabernet Sauvignon – you know it, you drink it, you love it. If you tried this wine, you would taste flavors of chocolate covered cherries, toasty oak, expressive and lingering harvest flavors, with savory underlying secrets. Now I also tell you it is from the Apalta valley of Chile; one of the best places to grow Cab with a climate that produces world class wines. Your face would say “Wines from Chile? Should I drink those? Aren’t they cheap?”.

And then there is this:

Here we go again with the Cab, and you are probably thanking me. And a red blend, thanks again! But what’s with the Shiraz – don’t do that to me Susan. That’s what Yellow Tail is made from. The only GOOD Shiraz I buy is from a winery called Penfolds – now THAT stuff is great. What if I told you this was made from a family that is concerned with the biodiversity of vineyards, the only winery in Australia with it’s own cooperage, creating wine from pre-phyloxera vines, and leading with other varietals like Viogner, fortified wine, and yes, our friend Shiraz here.

I’m pushing, but I need something to push against. I have a bunch of pushing in my new and altered consciousness, but I need it in reality. What I’m asking for is your input. Tell me what you think! Tell me if you think I am nuts, obnoxious, reprehensible, annoying, or just rotten. I can take it. It’s much better than the sneers, lies, or glazing over of heart breaking fabrications that I have witnessed these past few months. I’m releasing myself to the world tomorrow – with the elimination of doubt, deserting my past triumphs and regrets, and just being an authentic mask wearing girl. And I have good wine – I promise.

The Two Month “Susan Life Reflection” On Where We Should Go Now (While I am Drinking Cava)

It’s not that I havn’t wanted to talk to you.

It’s me – not you. We have a good thing: I dictate my thoughts through a keyboard, I pretend you are there, you giggle at me tripping over my own ideas, whisper “Isn’t she stupid and cute at the same time” to your partner/lover/one night stand/spouse/kitten, and slice a piece of that crumb cake, sitting on the counter, and tell me not to worry – start lifting that expensive barbell you bought (in a hyper sensitive moment) and all this Covid weight will melt away.

All that is a thing, right?

My challenges, beyond being an isolated and lonely girl, may not be as bad as yours. I still have my job, roof over my head, food in the fridge, a backyard I can play in, and money to pay the bills. I am usually the person with NONE OF THESE THINGS crying on the bathroom floor. So why am I back and in a positive condition? (fleeting, trust me, but today is a good day) Completely for selfish reasons: to sell some wine (yeah, admitting is letting go), to show you another side of the wine coin, to share my screw ups and successes, and to remember that I got some good stuff in my head that you may like to hear.


Here is the : Two Month Susan Reflection On Where Life Should Go Now:

  • Read my ass off, and grasp more wine related substance. I’ve been learning from a super smart wine guy the last two months, and I am just over the moon with his education; self taught, experienced, witty, detailed to the last drop in the glass. I want my song to be loud, accurate, and thundering with thought provoking conversation between us, and I know I can up my game.
  • I tried the LIVE Instagram thing. Honestly, it’s weird, and now it’s a saturated platform. Are we really having a conversation about wine, or am I just drinking to drink? It became very empty. What about a podcast? Thoughts? That sounds like fun…
  • Take more pictures. If you spend any time with me, you are now flipping me off. I already take pictures of wine, wine people, wine stacks, wine ideas, wine dinners, more wine…. enough with the wine. I have recently been looking at pictures, and erasing ones that have no relevance to my life now. However, there are memories that come flooding back, tears and laughter that I can touch, and wonderful people and places that remain in my soul. You just need a little nudge with a visual.
  • Reflect on what has happened, absorb what is happening now, acknowledge when someone does you wrong, walk away from that wrong without feeling wrong, find the delight in not being the star (back up dancers build the brand-you remember that hot one third from the right), assemble your team with different energies, evolve, know that a moment can just be a moment, and that a bad thing is just someone else’s idea of “bad” – not yours. This last year has taught me that people that have never met you before can appreciate you and grow to respect you. At the same time, people you have known for years can make you numb OR continue to fight in your army with a crazy vengeance.
  • And watch a movie with John Cusack; I suggest Better Off Dead (a 1985 classic).

All of that is really good shit.

But what you really want to know is what have I been drinking.

The first month of isolation; a whole lot of wine. Man, I became a very round lady. What a bloated mess. That had to stop friends; and it did. But you know, your girl likes her wine. A few new things needed to enter this picture; something lower in alcohol, quaffable, easy on the liver, and satisfying after a week not having ANY alcohol to drink. I’ve always liked a bubble; Champagne, Cava, Prosecco (eh, not as much but it will do), Brachetto – anything with a little spritz and I’m ready. I PURCHASED (you heard me) a case of Cava and was instantly hooked. Here is why:

  • 11.5 percent alcohol. That made much more sense.
  • Cava is from Penedes; one of the most important viticultural areas of Catalonia in Spain. I sell wines from Spain. Support yourself woman.
  • The grapes: Macabeo, Parellada, Xarello; Macabeo being the dominant in this blend. This grape is so elegant, has complexity, shows pretty acidity, and has the bang of fruit needed without being obnoxious.
  • There is a Brut, there is a Rose, and I know you are going to want to rock this as a mimosa – how about you DON’T! This wine is perfect without all the additional crap you want to feed it. Sure it’s your brunch wine, your after work out wine (don’t judge), a “Is it time to drink in a pandemic” wine (if you have to ask…) – all are acurate.
  • Bubbles make you happy, they just do.
  • This wine’s name? Los Dos Cava – Brut or Rose – affordable goodness; can’t leave that part out, by the way. Grab a bottle, send me a picture of what you are drinking and how you are drinking it, or send me a new suggestion! Anything with a sparkle!

All Talk And All Unfiltered

I shot a gun once. In a controlled environment, but I did it. I first said no, became shy of the idea and wanting to understand why these feelings were coming up in my chest. The sight of it sitting on a table frightened me, so why would I want to use it. I received instruction, I cried a bit, body shaking, focused and let go. That is the best way to describe it. It was a feeling of desperation, release, and complete power that I’m here to admit – I enjoyed and could do again.

I try to use my presence as my power, and in my 40’s, have tried to use my words just as much. But even holding a weapon was alluring; the thought that I could do nothing with my mind or persona yet be influential. Yes, it thrilled me, and then emptied my soul. My consciousness won and made me realize that I can’t control that kind of control, nor have the desire to give any effort. Target practice is not worth the high.

How can I now go on to write flowery images of wine? Even before this blog, I was dealing with news of a death, sadness, a little broken heart, a little weight gain – I’m not going on. I’m feeling selfish that I think of how MY world is effecting me, but that is what lays in my lap. I have a new job, a failed relationship, a market work day with a winery representative haunting my crappy planning, and a pressing waist line. That is what I see when I look in the mirror, and it’s not pretty. Add to that an upset stomach every time my innocent nephew walks out the door to go to school, or the fact that grocery shopping could be my last breath on this earth.

I know we aren’t giving up, but we can be sad for a moment as well. But wake up, put on your party dress, and get out the door – there are things to do, and there are ways to be happy.

I’m not giving you a review, I’m not selling a damn thing to you in this blog. I’m here to show you my happy moments. To share with you how I am FORCING myself into a joyous life. Do I do this with wine; sure. Not to get drunk and forget, but to learn and savor someone else’s passion, history, and love for what they do.

And I want to blog, but I’m not in the mood. There is a lot to say, but I got to think about it all first. I’ll let you look at pretty pictures. Pictures are my golden ring, my tooth under the pillow, my first kiss. They wrap me back up in what I think may have happened. Maybe they can shed a little honey and butterflies on your day as well.

While writing this, I received a text trying to pull me back into drama; is it drama if you have created it? It’s going to constantly happen, but just be ready. The text made me dive in at first; a little racing in my chest, my thoughts swimming on how to be witty, reflections appeared on my pillow. This is what I want, this is what I want, this is what I want. But then, vacant. So, who, in the end, is the looser? More on that soon.