EVERYTHING about 2018 either inspired me to tears or went down the toilet.
The biggest disappointment will not be reviewed immediately. (professionally speaking; the personal one is way behind me now) More anger, resentment, letting go, and reflection is needed. Your girl is on track, in emotionally recovery, and sees the light – may it be dim. But oh boy, stay tuned. That blog will be on fire.
There were A LOT of trips to California in 2018. Sounds alluring and just a ton of fun – and it is – but a nugget was dropped that wasn’t there before. The major lesson travel taught me this time around was perception. I am still in a “learning” phase; and thank god for that. I hope to never leave that arena. However, now, I need to start leading. No one will follow me unless I have myself together – and that is more than creating plans, programming activities, and actively selling wine myself. That comes with my energy and my intention; wow, what foo foo words to throw out there. It’s true though. When you KNOW you have yourself together, and I mean when your educated/witty/mature/mentoring/directorial hat is on – you can’t be stopped. This time it came from my gut, not the smoke in mirrors show I am all so good at performing.
I received a compliment years ago from a co-worker – “When someone tells you that the program isn’t possible, you don’t just do the program, you re-create it/make it better/make tons of money/make everyone happy, and then just pretend it was this way the whole time.” I forgot I had that in me. Peddling along with the ride is wonderful when the ride is good; that was never my speed. I get burned up when someone tells me I’m not part of their “vision”. In my mind, they just don’t know it yet. So I did some really great stuff I was told was not possible. Please continue to tell me I am inadequate. I obviously thrive on your limited perception.
One thing that really pissed me off in 2018 was my lack of wonder. Now, I just showed you I am unstoppable – and that is mega true. I’m talking about getting comfortable with what you know and how you know it. And understand, I allowed myself to be defined; and it was nice. It was nice to have a persona that was respected. What I realized is that there is respect that is shown, respect that you mistakenly give with abandon, and respect that bounces right back to you. I put myself in the pot of all three, and got lost in the fuzzy dream state of all three. Wonder allows my mind to transform, and my intensity to shine. I’m abolishing this created noise, drinking more silent wines (thanks Terry Theise for the imagery-you nailed it), and carefully weighing my next step. It’s ok to break things down and become a little analytical. Yes, I said that.
Let’s wrap this up and look forward to what it coming:
- The pursuit of an authentic voice – real authentic. Time to stop being so polite.
- Be extremely polite. Polite to me is measured, screened, and a deliberate state of being.
- What am I doing with this blog thing? Someone help please.
- Keep weeding out the noise. (reminders on the regular from JS always help – thank god for those people who just won’t let go…)
- Build and MAINTAIN (key word) boundaries where they are necessary and give a knee to the ones that are creeping around the corner.
- The dead are dead. You can’t do anything about this. Move on.
- Go on a trip, possibly not alone, and understand that you deserve it.
- Take a step forward in education – does that mean your own, your ability to mentor, your ability to change the world? Who can say.
This blog was written for me. The pictures chosen where some pictures that only I (and some others) may understand. I am selfish right now – mostly because today is a really really bad mental day. I am deliberate, I am a wacky ass woman, and I can get deep in the pit with you and myself. I am eager, annoyed, scared to death, always hungry, and totally thrilled at my mess of a life. Let’s jump into a new suit, shall we – what’s the worst that can happen?